Failure to stop

"Tohru" (tohrurokuno) 12/24/2015 at 12:06 • Filed to: None

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Working traffic enforcement in rural Wisconsin was a slow job, most days. To meet quota, I would camp out on the Interstate on-ramps and wait for Illinois tourists who were too impatient to get up to the cabin up Nort’. Otherwise, it was pretty dull. A lot of sitting in an idling cruiser, eating unhealthy food, playing games on your phone (the bastards in IT took Solitare and Need for Speed: Most Wanted off the laptop in the center console). So, a lot of times you have to make your own amusement.

I was driving down Highway 14, heading eastbound. I flicked my left turn signal on, aiming to go to the gas station and get a sandwich, Mountain Dew, and maybe some Cheetos. A Murano Cross-Cab to my left went to do a rolling stop at the intersection I was approaching, then saw me coming and stopped abruptly. They were completely past the white stop line. This was unacceptable.

A flick of switches turned the lights and siren on, while a Scandinavian flick of the steering wheel brought the CVPI sideways - the blown Coyote I had the motor pool fit howling to be heard over the tortured department-issue Winterforces out back. I was aiming to clip the apex on this drift, and was rewarded as the bull bar up front gently removed the headlight, left fender, and part of the bumper cover from the Murano as I passed. The impact helped rotate the car as I slid to a stop perfectly behind the Cross-Cab.

I already had my ticket book out as I walked up to the window. “License and registration please, ma’am. The reason I stopped you today is a failure to stop at a stop sign and failure to obey traffic markings.” The driver seemed in shock when I walked up, but my words brought her back to reality. “You hit me!” she yelled. “Yes ma’am,” I replied. “If you were behind the white line like you’re supposed to be, it wouldn’t have happened.” Her face turned bright red at that, blonde “bitch-cut” swaying, and she practically screamed at me, “I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR.”

A sudden winter wind rocked her Nissan and caused my jacket to billow out behind me as a grin spread across my face. A loud rumble of jake-braking echoed through the air. The driver shrank away from the window, sensing she should be afraid. When I spoke next, my voice had a deep, other-worldly timbre to it.

“Ma’am, I *AM* the on-duty supervisor today.”

they-will-know-my-velocity > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 12:15

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I assume a nimbus of light annointed you as you informed her of her bad luck.

Birddog > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 12:54

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Sounds like Wisconsin Troopers are training in Chicago!

Capt. Ronald Wilson Reagan > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 14:49

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So you struck someone’s car with another car you don’t personally own...because she made a rolling stop? And then you had the audacity to also write her a ticket? I don’t like shitty drivers either but you completely escalated that situation and abused your authority. Not only does she have to pay the ticket and for her car to be fixed, your cruiser has to be repaired also. Is that really justifiable for rolling a stop sign? Not even running it but a rolling stop. Even if this wasn’t a gross abuse of power you still sound like an asshole. I’m glad my taxes don’t pay your corrupt, incompetent ass.

Tohru > Capt. Ronald Wilson Reagan 12/24/2015 at 14:54

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So in what world do you think that police department motor pools will pay to swap out the 4.6L mod motor for a supercharged 5.0L Coyote just because the officer asks for it?

The entire article was a work of fiction. Thanks for playing.

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > Capt. Ronald Wilson Reagan 12/24/2015 at 15:02

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Come on, man. Be better than this. Clearly a made up story.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Capt. Ronald Wilson Reagan 12/24/2015 at 15:03

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I’m not convinced you understand the concept of fiction.

d15b > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 15:04

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To be fair, the story was presented as fact. No qualifiers noting that it was fiction.

Tohru > d15b 12/24/2015 at 15:08

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Much like how all of SeatSafetySwitch’s stories do not have any qualifiers noting that they are fiction. Clearly he’s actually putting Detroit Diesels into Alfa Montreals.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > Capt. Ronald Wilson Reagan 12/24/2015 at 15:09

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I sincerely hope you are counter-trolling.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 15:12

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SSS’s stories are much more surreal though, it's harder to make the mistake.

Which isn't to say I think that any reasonable person should believe this to be a true story.

Birddog > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 15:15

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Hey now! Show the former POTUS some respect!

d15b > Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer 12/24/2015 at 15:22

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People are more likely to believe whatever is put in front of them at first blush. As for being “reasonable”, the internet has a history of jackasses reliving their glory moments on the interwebs.

Call it a case of mistaken identity.

d15b > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 15:23

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Ok.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > d15b 12/24/2015 at 15:27

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Rule #1 of the internet—take everything with a bag of salt.

DrJohannVegas > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 12/24/2015 at 15:28

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Reagan never did seem to understand the difference between fiction and reality.

Luke's Dad Sold His 2000TL To Get a Sienna > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 15:30

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Regarding that angry person up there, I’m glad my first read (I’m really bad with reading comprehension.), I missed enough important information so that I was just completely confused.

Completely missed Coyote and the description of the car being hit which made that part “You hit me” become so much more weird LOL

d15b > Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer 12/24/2015 at 15:31

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Agreed.

Baeromez > Capt. Ronald Wilson Reagan 12/24/2015 at 15:35

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Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > Capt. Ronald Wilson Reagan 12/24/2015 at 15:44

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Who pissed in your cheerios

Tohru > Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer 12/24/2015 at 15:56

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This is pretty surreal though. I mean, a Murano Cross-Cab? In Wisconsin?

There’s just one that I know of. I see it often at the US Cellular in the Dells - I think it belongs to one of the employees.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 15:59

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The internet has determined your a bad person ha-ha

Tohru > OPPOsaurus WRX 12/24/2015 at 16:03

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*you’re

Oh good, the Internet agrees with my parents, teachers, ex-girlfriends, and my self-esteem.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 16:04

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No, that’s improbable. Surreal is that dreamlike quality SSS uses that leaves you going “WTF did I just read”.

All good in their own right.

Dusty Ventures > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 16:04

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I picked up on this story being shenanigans when you mentioned IT removing Need For Speed from the cruiser’s computer.

Everyone knows cop car laptops still run DOS

Tohru > Dusty Ventures 12/24/2015 at 16:16

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False, they’re running XP.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Capt. Ronald Wilson Reagan 12/24/2015 at 16:39

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This is prime kinja.

Dusty Ventures > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 18:52

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These guys must be supervisors. They always get the upgrades first

Goggles Pizzano > Capt. Ronald Wilson Reagan 12/24/2015 at 19:29

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Tohru > Dusty Ventures 12/24/2015 at 20:32

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Just like my Coyote motor.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Tohru 12/24/2015 at 20:43

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According to Abe Lincoln the Internets anyways right

Tohru > OPPOsaurus WRX 12/24/2015 at 21:35

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I think Ben Franklin once said Abe Lincoln is full of shit.

chaboud > Tohru 12/25/2015 at 01:11

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Yeah. Having lived in Wisconsin for nearly 20 years, I can say that a true story would have been missing teeth and chewing tobacco. Wisconsin State Troopers: Welcome to the south...

chaboud > Tohru 12/25/2015 at 01:12

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Sweet mother of God... That is an ugly-ass car.

Tohru > chaboud 12/25/2015 at 01:23

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I’ve seen it multiple times - it doesn’t get better on repeated exposure.

I know it’s the same one because it’s still running the personalized plates.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Tohru 12/25/2015 at 08:58

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I’m pretty sure it was Zelda that had beef with Abe